Archive for Wedding
November 16, 2006 at 3:26 am · Filed under Wedding
The drive down was wholly unremarkable (save our brush with the confederacy). I drove the entire way while Lisa slept for moral support. I had stocked up on podcasts and audiobooks which are like consciousness-kryptonite for my blushing bride.
When we went to Disneyland in California we drove all the way down from Sacremento and didn’t see a single Disney sign until we were 2 miles away from the exit. It was incredibly different than my memories of driving down to Disney World with my parents, when we would see South of the Border signs while we were still far up north. They would eventually give way to Disney billboards and finally to the actual green and white highway signs. Finally seeing your exit was a great release after countless hours of anticipation as you counted down the miles with each passing sign.
Here I was, driving down to Florida with my soon-to-be-wife. Here’s one of those highway signs I remember so fondly. Not only was I going to Disney, I was going to my wedding.
The suspense was killing me.
When we were young, my sisters, my brother and I would have fights to see who would be the first out of the car to touch the ground in Disney World. There was something about being the first to connect to the place that made us commit acts of physical violence against one another.
It may be that we were going to hit each other anyway and this was a convenient excuse.
It may be that, since our parents had bought a van with a TV and a VCR because we took so many of these long road trips, we had carefully selected the movies that would grant the person whose turn it was to pick the most satisfaction while simultaneously acting as violent torture to the others. My sister Lizzie had this down to a science as she had only two movies she ever wanted to see: Grumpy Old Men or the Drew Barrymore fairytale vomit-fest Ever After. I have hatred for those movies that burns inside me with the fire of a thousand suns.
It was probably both of those things I just spend too long describing. But it was also that it was Disney. Our parents took us to a lot places, but this is the place where just touching the ground bestowed something wonderful.
It only made sense to get married there.
This wasn’t the first time Lisa and I had made a big roadtrip together. We had driven to, around, and from Ohio when my family made a big trip to King’s Island and Cedar Point. That was probably 18 hours or so of driving altogether.
This time, however, 18 hours was only the first leg of our trip. There was a lot more at stake, too. We had to worry about everything we had with us. We had spent months making, preparing, sweating over all this stuff and now we had it crammed into boxes filling our minivan to the brim.
The stress. The worrying. There was so much still to do.
And yet that all went away when we saw the Disney signs.
It was raining, too. The weather was lousy for the entire drive that day. We would go through pockets of rain where it fell as if it were not in drops but in a solid block. You were no longer driving but moving through liquid space. Every time it would clear up we’d have a little hope that it would stay that way, but every time it would come back in full force just a few miles down the road.
The weather didn’t matter anymore, though. We were almost in Disney.
For the first trip Lisa and I ever took to Disney together we stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. Savannah View room on the Zebra Trail. We didn’t see one damn zebra the entire 9 day stay although we would sit out on our balcony throughout the day and just marvel at the animals. Our balcony overlooked a watering hole and there was something marvelous about watching the animals commune around it. It wasn’t one type of animal like you’d see in a zoo, but multiple species sharing the same space, standing only a few feet apart. We’d just sit there and watch, together.
Lisa did find a zebra, though. On our last day, as we were getting ready to leave, Lisa somehow got lost and made her way out onto a fire escape. Once she found her way back to the room, she dragged me out onto it to point out her miraculous find. There, peeking just beyond the corner of the building, was a zebra’s ass.
We were coming back. This time we were staying concierge but I had requested a view of the same watering hole. We got it.
Here we were, just a few minutes away from returning to our favorite place on earth.
All we had to do was follow the sign.
November 16, 2006 at 2:41 am · Filed under Wedding
For all those interested, as of July 10th, 2006 the Quality Inn was a fine, upstanding establishment with a courteous staff and a prime location directly off the exit. I’d recommend it to any weary traveler. There’s some pics of the room after the jump.
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November 16, 2006 at 2:17 am · Filed under Wedding
We decided to make the 23 1/2 hour, 1,166 mile drive over the course of two days. Using the I-95 Exit Information Guide, we chose Santee, SC as the halfway point where we’d spend the night. AAA gave the thumbs up to the Quality Inn, so that’s where we stayed.
The drive itself was fairly uneventful. The most notable thing about it is that we were carrying enough stuff to fill a large minivan from floor to ceiling, front to back. It was as if the entire back of the car contained a solid block of concrete until I applied the brakes. At that point, something odd would fly forward and try to kill Lisa or me. Something that could only be found in the car of a Disneymooner, such as a tophat with mouse ears or a box of monogrammed petal cones.
Thankfully the traffic conditions were not bad at all and a scant 14 1/2 hours after we left we arrived in Santee, SC with only minor concussions and woefully empty stomachs.
A little backstory: I’m a big tub of goo. However, I once was a much bigger tub of goo. 312 pounds of goo to be exact. It was so bad, I had trained myself to dislodge my jaw so I could swallow live pigs whole. Those days are behind me now. I started a simple diet at the end of January. It was the Hacker’s Diet and all it required is that I count calories and keep the amount consumed to a level below what I burn on a daily basis. You know, how non-tubs of goo eat. From January 28th to July 9th, I was able to lose 72 pounds. 240 lbs was still fat, but not the kind of fat that requires the extension seatbelt the flight attendants use during the safety spiel.
It came at a price, though, as the calorie counting was accomplished by eating frozen dinners three meals a day for nearly seven months. As you can imagine, the prospect of eating something, anything other than Stouffer’s was of the utmost urgency.
Southern BBQ was what I craved. With the exception of perhaps Soul Food, there was nothing further away from dieting. I was unfamiliar with the BBQ of the Carolinas. The only advertising of BBQ on I-95 was for a place called Maurice’s BBQ. The billboards for Maurice’s were…how can I put this delicately…grotesque. That’s really an understatement. To be fair to Maurice’s, before I tear the place to pieces, the food was actually quite good. They just don’t know how to advertise. You know how fast food advertisements ensure the only the most perfectly prepared and delicous looking versions of their food appear, sensually lit and framed so that you’re confused as to whether you want to eat it or screw it? Maurice’s doesn’t bother with that. In fact, Maurice doesn’t bother even placing the food in some kind of context, it’s just there on the sign as if it exists in a void.
You would think, then, since the food itself is left to its own merits that it would at least appear to be appetizing. You would be wrong. The food, a chopped BBQ Pork Sandwich known as the “Big Pig”, looks like it could be served in a Dickensian orphanage or in some Soylent Green-esque dystopian future cafe. It is almost disturbing to look at, as if you’re witnessing the aftermath of some bizarre accident involving a helicopter and a man on stilts. The pork doesn’t so much sit on the bun as it does overflow it, and not in a good way, in a festering wound sort of way. Here, take a look for yourself:
I couldn’t find a picture of the actual billboards in question and we certainly didn’t want to attempt to capture one without vomiting. Here’s a closer look at the meatspill:
Somehow my need for BBQ overtook my common sense and we consciously chose to ignore the advertising. We patronized the local Maurice’s Gourmet BBQ. Hey, the sign outside said “Best Ribs In Town! ” and that’s an offer I can’t refuse. We placed our order only to find out that the ribs were not ready and would not be ready for a good 20 minutes. I had waited 6 months for some BBQ, I could wait another 20, so we found a seat and perused the menu to kill time.
This wasted all of a minute and thirty seconds. Our attention turned to the restaurant decor. Odd details began to pop out. Were those confederate flag stickers all over the place? Yes. Yes, those are confederate flags. What’s that about?
We wandered into the little souvenier shop at the front of the restaurant to thumb through the books and–wait, are those actual, full-sized confederate flags? You’ve got to be joking me. What are these books about?
Sweet lord, they’re still fighting the civil war. All the books were in defense of the confederacy.
I’m not sure why I found this so surprising. South Carolina started the damn confederacy. Someone’s relatives thought it was a good idea. It was just odd to see it so…out in the open. Not on the pickup of some jackass where it shares space on the back window with Pissing Calvin Facsimile. It’s in the gift shop of a fast food joint. Not just a bumper sticker, but actual flags with poles attached. Pamphlets? Try racks of books.
There’s 14 other Maurice’s BBQs in South Carolina. I wonder if they stock in ribs and racism. Maybe this was just the only one, the bright idea of a manager who also thinks that not having any ribs ready when you order them is the way to do business in fast food.
The ribs were pretty good. I’d never had the South Carolina Mustard Sauce (or even heard of it). It took some getting used to (it was some heavy stuff) but I took a liking to it.
I probably should have protested the food.
But I probably should do a lot of things.
September 6, 2006 at 5:24 am · Filed under Wedding
Ah, Sam and Jen. What a difficult task was set before them and what an incredible feat they performed in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.
I am not, of course, speaking of my blushing bride, whose radiant beauty is readily apparent no matter what angle she is viewed from. If one were to play Where’s Waldo with Lisa in the place of Waldo, she would be easily identifiable due to the glowing aura of loveliness that surrounds her even in satellite imagery.
The problem I speak of is myself. I do not photograph well. This is not a flaw inherent in me but in the shortcomings of modern photographic equipment. I am a walking personifcation of beauty and majesty. When you see me in person you might liken my countenance to something that, if its likeness appeared on a piece of toast, would draw thousands in pilgrmage and would eventually be purchased by goldenpalace.com. Sam can attest to this fact. When he first met me in person his heart stopped for several seconds as if he were witnessing creation itself.
It’s just that in pictures I look like a fat dimwit.
Perhaps it’s shutter speed. Perhaps it’s the reason that we still have painters and sculptors when we can just take photographs of what we find beautiful. The experience that is me cannot be contained in an SD card, even in RAW format.
Somehow, Sam and Jen were able to capture me in such a way that I do not look retarded. Most are actually flattering.
The shots, both with and without the glory that is me, are in fact insanely beautiful.
I really can’t thank them enough. That’s not just because I know they’ll be reading this, they actually did a spectacular job and made the experience enjoyable.
We don’t remember a damned thing about our wedding day. It is just a constant motion blur with brief pauses where a memory could form. When I get around to recapping that day I’ll be relying mostly on the pictures Sam and Jen took to remind me of what happened. I think that’s the best compliment I could give them: their pictures serve to capture my wedding day better than my mind could.
They’ve set up two galleries where you can view the photos. The first is a collection of their favorites, the ones they think turned out the best:
http://egomedia.smugmug.com/gallery/1778730
The second is everything, including their favorites, coming in at a hefty 550 pictures:
http://egomedia.smugmug.com/gallery/1779522
They really are amazing. I’ve picked out a couple of my favorites to share with those who don’t feel like going through the galleries:
I guarantee you that this picture of us on the bridge to Italy Isola looks more authentic than any picture we’ll take when we’re in the real Italy next year.
After seeing Andi and Adam’s fireworks photos, I was really excited about the shots of people watching Illuminations. This photo Jen took of my sister, along with the next photo, really makes me feel like all the trouble it took to get married in Disney was worth it.
This may be my favorite picture of the lot. It just perfectly captures the feeling we wanted to share when we dragged everyone down to Disney.
Sweet lord! Sam was somehow able to take pictures of me that I wasn’t immediately angry about how I look. I actually look, dare I say it, good! He is truly a genius!
There’s obviously a ton more where those came from, and in sizes that aren’t reduced for blog and forum posting. Go check them out and bask in the glory of what these two fine artisans have produced.
September 6, 2006 at 4:24 am · Filed under Wedding
National Rental Car is an organization run by hellspawn.
This is not an exaggeration but literal truth. If you are able to guess their true name you can briefly glimpse their true forms: an undulating mass of pus and boils, cloven-hooved, their slavering maws spewing harsh invectives about your mother in a thousand dead tongues. Be careful, for after they disappear, leaving only a wisp of smoke and a faint smell of brimstone, they will be replaced by a demon from a circle of hell reserved for the treacherous: the Manager.
The demon you have just defeated may have denied their existence, saying the Manager is off-duty, or on vacation, or resides on a plane of existence only accessible to transcendental beings and opium freaks. The Manager is far more frustrating for they are just as unwilling to help you as their underlings but their constant refrain of “No” carries far more finality. They are the last resort before you must call Customer Service, which connects you directly to one of the three mouths of Lucifer which, in between chews, have accents remarkably similar to Indians.
Perhaps I should explain.
We decided to rent a car because:
- We were transporting several tons of wedding-related cargo (wedding dress, bridal party dresses, wedding favors, programs, petal cones, menus, placecards, and the list goes on and on…)
- We were packing for a 30 day Honeymoon (that turned into a 38 days)
- We were travelling all over Florida throughout the trip
- Lisa is deathly afraid of flying
So, for most of the above reasons, we also decided we would rent a minivan for 35 days (gave ourselves some wiggle room because we were planning on spending a day or two in Savannah, Georgia and possibly the same in Washington, DC on the way back home).
We went with National because they were one of the few rental car agencies that allows you to rent with a debit card. This is prominently displayed on their website. I called several times to make sure that you could rent with a debit card and was met with the same response each time: “Of course! It says it on the website, doesn’t it?”
Yes, it does. Of course, on the rental agreement it said that they accept debit cards at select locations, so I checked to make sure they did at the one I had chosen. They said they did. I should’ve realized I was talking to Indian Lucifer when he said that.
We went to rent the car and, as you might have guessed by now, they didn’t accept debit cards.
We didn’t have any credit cards with a large enough open balance to cover the cost of the rental car. They accept debit upon the return of the car, but not when you rent it.
After an hour of angry customer interaction, pointless phone calls to Old Scratch, and frantic searching for a family member with a credit card, my aunt made the 45-minute trip to the airport to put it on hers. This, of course ended up costing us more money because Lisa and I needed to be added as additional drivers at an additional fee per day.
Oh, and they couldn’t rent us the minivan for more than 30 days despite the fact that the rental agreement I had in my hand was for 35 days. Some bull about their computers having a time limit.
Iris, the demon-in-charge, assured me that my rental period could be honored, but I would have to call her at the 30-day mark and she would renew the car for an additional week of the phone.
I called. Iris, naturally, was not available. I called back when they said she would be. She wasn’t. I asked the man that answered the phone, Mike, (a name that is always associated with the darkest evil) if he could help me renew the rental car lease. He said he could and 20 minutes later we were exchanging pleasantries and I was on my way.
Then, a few days later, I got a frantic phone call from my aunt that a representative from National had called her to say that the minivan had been reported stolen.
I called the National representative to resolve the issue but got her voicemail. I explained the situation. I was never called back. Figuring this would be the case, as soon as I had left my message I called back and somehow was able to get ahold of Iris. She explained that Mike had just left a note for someone else to do what he said he was doing in the 20 minutes he had me on the phone. This note was promptly lost. She would reprimand Mike but he wasn’t there that day.
Upon returning my car, I found that for the week that I extended past 30 days, I was charged a much higher rate, resulting in a cost a couple hundred dollars more than my rental agreement stated. Iris materialized, the blood of countless sinners staining her gnarled claws, to explain that despite the fact I had a rental agreement, the 30-day computers overrides it and any extension beyond that is considered a new rental agreement where they can make up any rate they like without telling you.
When I was on the phone with Mike, I had asked him what the cost would be for the week to doublecheck. He said that he couldn’t tell me, that Iris could, but he was sure it would be what I expected. When I was on the phone with Iris after the minivan had been reported stolen, she told me that in order to get me a price she would have to go over to a different computer system and that would take a lot of time and we had already been on the phone for half an hour so wouldn’t I like to get back to my honeymoon?
So they beat me. I was broken down, a shell of my former self. All fight was taken out of me and they were free to sully any and all of my already-bleeding orifices. And they did.
So if you feel like having your the various holes of your body, even the small ones, ravaged by unspeakable monsters from the deepest, darkest pits of the netherworld, rent a car from National.
I promise that the rest of my posts (as far as I can remember) will be about how happy and wonderful the rest of the trip was. And they’ll have pictures. It’s just that this dark stain on an otherwise flawless trip was the first part of the whole thing and thus the first story.
Oh, and after all that, I don’t actually have pictures of the damned minivan. It was a Pontiac Montana. Here’s a picture of me driving it back from the rental car place, smiling through my tears:
September 5, 2006 at 3:28 am · Filed under Wedding
Before I lose you all to insane verbosity, here’s a little summary of what we did:
7/10/06-7/11/06: Drove from Carmel, NY to Santee,SC, then to Walt Disney World
7/11/06-7/22/06: Walt Disney World (got married on 7/17!)
7/22/06-7/29/06: 7-Night Disney Cruise to Castaway Cay (twice!), Costa Maya and Cozumel
7/29/06-8/1/06: Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure, SeaWorld, Discovery Cove
8/1/06-8/5/06: Vero Beach
8/5/06-8/15/06: Walt Disney World
8/15/06-8/16/06: Drove from Walt Disney World to Fayetteville, NC, then to Carmel, NY
- We stayed in 7 hotels as well as a stateroom on the Disney Magic.
- We ate at 31 restaurants, not including those we went to twice (or, in the case of Jiko, several times) the restaurants on the cruise, on the way to and from home, or snacks around the parks (like Turkey Legs and Mini Donuts!).
- We visited Mayan Ruins in Mexico and spent enough money on spa treatments that I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life.
- We went on safari twice, toured the world on segways, and went onstage several times. There’s a ton more, but hey, I never said this was a complete summary. You’ll have to wait for the best stuff.
For those interested and impatient for more, there’s a complete listing of where we stayed and ate after the jump.
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September 5, 2006 at 2:49 am · Filed under Wedding
This is the beginning of the long and arduous task of chronicling my (almost) entirely Disney Wedding and Honeymoon which lasted for an (insane in retrospect) 38 days.
There is a slight problem in that I don’t remember when things happened.
I didn’t do anything resembling a recap while I was on the trip and here I am three weeks after it ended racking my brains trying to figure out if I went to Animal Kingdom or MGM on Day 27. It’s just not going to work that way.
Sure, I’ve got a ton of pictures that have a time and date associated with them and I can use that whenever a picture triggers a memory. I’m sure I have a picture of me in a shirt that looks like I sneezed while doing cocaine and that can accompany a little story about the guy in the America Pavilion who gave me a free funnel cake just because I’d gotten married recently.
A lot of stuff happened like that, little things and really big things, and they made the trip an incredible one. I plan on sharing a lot of those stories but you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t tell you if they happened on July 19th or August 7th. Just come along for the ride.
September 5, 2006 at 2:48 am · Filed under Wedding
And all others that may stumble upon this mess.
September 4, 2006 at 10:19 pm · Filed under Wedding
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